May 13, 2009 2:15 AM

Yesterday, one of my tenants lent me a movie. That's never happened before. Out of the blue she volunteered that if I hadn't seen it I needed to, and then lent it to me. Today I watched it, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button." I'd been scrupulously avoiding that film. Not that I doubted its quality, but I was pretty sure that a sad, cathartic film was not what I needed at this juncture. I was wrong.

I do recommend the movie to anyone, its very well done and has like the cover says it must be experienced to appreciate. I'll give an update on where things are in a minute but want to talk about a couple things that struck me while watching this film.

I noticed how many cruel things happen in life, but since the film moves on to follow the major theme of the romance between Benjamin and Daisey, the tough things are in context. I found myself wishing the cruel moments away, wanting to get on with the beautiful, joyous moments. I'm now reflecting on the cruel things; the bitter sweet things; that I've endured, and wondering why I didn't feel the same about those. I have to conclude that there are a lot of things I've haven't grieved and moved past and it's stealing from my joyful highs.

I also noted that, even when characters made choices to avoid the pain that would come from walking through their ill-fated romance they still returned to experience part of it. At one point Ben decides to leave so that Daisy can move onto a normal life instead of having to suffer through his gradual regression to youth. But he comes back to see her. In fiction we realize that a human must experience everything there is to a cruel moment. We are drawn back to that moment because the pain of not walking it out is worse than knowing what it really feels like.

Again, we are doomed to suffer every dark happening in life until we face it and then set it aside.

Finally, I love the message about it never being too late for something. The only real gift of Benjamen's condition is that he experienced his physical youth (mid twenties?? maybe late teens??) When his mind and actual physical age were late 50's early 60's. Ben is able to leave all his worldly possessions and go in search of meaning, which is something I bet every man that age feels a calling to do.

Well, here's what's happening lately. I put it out there that I was searching for an RV, because God has been reawakening that desire. (like any truly exciting desire it's totally inexplicable.) Well an old friend from high school got sent me an IM and I'm going to make an appointment tomorrow to see one his dad has for sale. IT sounds promising. Now I just have to find the financing. (haha, I'm dead broke.)

I ran into a website where someone posted pictures of castles in England. Like a lot of people I love castles, but scanning through I saw pictures of Lindisfarn for the first time and I felt painful nostalgia for it. I've never been there, but I have a hunch I need to go.

Other big news, I heard from the production department at iUniverse and they have already completed my proof copy. So I'm closer to finished product than I'd thought based on their other emails. I will make time to go through the proof copy tomorrow. It also reminds me that all this warfare has been stealing away a high moment that I've been looking forward to my whole life. I should have been smiling my way through every pot hole on the way to this moment and I've been miserable and distracted. If I hadn't watched that movie tonight I might not have missed it all together.

This is something God and I have been squabbling over for a year or two. It's in God's nature to awaken the desires of my heart, deepen them, and then fulfill them. But when I look at characters like Abraham who are promised a child and then don't get him for decades, that doesn't feel like receiving. That attitude pisses God off by the way, but I needed to work through it. This is what I'm starting to see now: If God gives me a desire that is with in my grasp I'll just go get it. Look at Christmas, we have to wait till the last minute and buy something expensive because if its affordable they'll just go get it themselves. It's worse if my desire is just out of reach because I'll be really irresponsible and go get it anyway.

So if God takes his time and deepens a desire I have that is really big and way outside my grasp, by the time He brings it about I've lost hope and it feels anticlimactic. It's been a problem since I was young. My parents used to have to distract me at Christmas or I'd throw up from anticipation. I want things so intensely that I either must have them, or must loose them to end my suffering.

The image is one of me getting off an amazing roller coaster and God looks at my face and says next time try to enjoy the ride. Another way to say it is this, the purpose of ski diving isn't to fly or to hit the ground, but to transition from one to the other as slowly as possible.

As a writer I face 3 questions: 1) can I finish a book, 2) can I sell it, 3) can I do it again. I'm really looking for the answers to these questions to say something about who I am and that's not how it works. I need to be a writer because that's who God says I am, and then I need to write because that's what writers do. The part of me that doesn't finish things needs to die and be replaced by someone who savors every step of the process all the way to its end. This is change at the level of reinvention.