A Change of Pace

I'm going to deviate from my intended subject material for this blog for the rest of this month. See I intend this blog to focus on true faith-based living. Not religious living, or Christian life-style choices, but following the wild goose (to put it in terms Wild at Heart men would recognize).

Well in being loyal to the message/idea of going where the Spirit leads instead of playing it safe, I'm going to stop blogging about it and blog it in my life for this short season in my life.

Here's what's going on: I'm turning 38 on June 9. I have received from God, a lot of description around my calling, but nothing absolutely concrete. Well that's not entirely true, I know that I'm called to be a friend to people. That I won't be accomplishing much outside of the context of friendship. I think that's pretty cool, but I was hoping for something more like, go to the pacific island of Truk and share the gospel while discovering a cure for diabetes. So you can see I've been a little frustrated. Not that I ever wanted to be research scientist or an evangelist, but at least that's a specific thing. Okay I know that what I'm asking for is an assignment not a calling, but I was just hoping that my calling would suggest a direction more than it does.

So I'm 38, almost, and I haven't known what I really wanted to do with my life. Of course something triggered this latest round angst, actually several somethings. Traditionally I've been working very part-time jobs and living lean (or above my means) in order to write on a novel--which I've just finished. I don't mean just completed, I actually went in with an artist friend and paid to have it published with his illustrations. So that process is nearly complete and I've been asking myself if writing is really my calling. I enjoy solitude, yes, but I'm also a people person and I can't write all day every day. Few writers can. Most writers do something else for a living even when there books sell well. So I'm back to square one, asking, "what ELSE do I do?"

Well on top of all that, I've traditionally been single. I lived for myself for many years and then I lived exclusively for God. I loved the freedom to take part in things that I wouldn't have had time for if I were trying to support a family. Then I fell in love with a woman and her three daughters. Ami and the girls made me open my heart to more--I had to grow new chambers and I had to morn the loss of freedom I'd come to enjoy. After I'd crossed that bridge and couldn't turn back Ami decided that where she was in life needed to be alone so that she could grow. She has completely cut off communication and its been really hard because we in the same home church group.

Speaking of the home group. I've been seeking a mythic fellowship for several years. I came back to Christ when my father died in 2003. I didn't really make a go of it until August 2004 when I attended a Wild at Heart boot camp but ever since then I've been seeking a group to fellowship with/live life in the same direction with. I've tried on several occasions to form such a group but something always happened and people pulled up short of real togetherness in favor of superficial church-type relationships. This latest group has made it about the furthest, but that has been aggravating lately too, because I am going through all this emotion and they don't seem able to process it.

So in my calling, my intimate allies, and my love life are all going through a crisis. I feel terribly cliche part of the time, but I also know God enough to know that I'm in a terrific place. Based on my past experience with God I can say with certainty that crisis is an opportunity for God to bring clarity and blessing into a place that I've been holding Him out of. So if God is going to bring clarity and blessing to these three major aspects of my life I'm strapping in for the ride of my life. I believe my future is on the line and I'm going to live or die trying.

More soon.